Scented Horoscopes: July 2022

The sun is out, the flowers are blooming, the 4th of July sales are in full swing, it’s emotional Cancer season, and Pluto is bringing some sinister energy into this month. It’s a lot to navigate. Thankfully, your Scented Horoscope for July 2022 is here to guide you.

First, a general note for something to watch out for this month:

Mercury enters Cancer on July 5th. This means your Hermès perfumes are about to get very emotional. Make sure you don’t bad-mouth any large fashion brands during this tumultuous time. Definitely avoid criticizing consumerism or pointing out the inherent meretricious nature of Veblen goods. If you’ve already committed one of these grave errors, you can make things right again by buying the new $23,600 Hermès bicycle. (This is also a great way to save on gas!)

Now, on to this month’s scented horoscopes:

Aries: Your instincts are a powerful guide, Aries. As Mars squares off with Pluto this month, they’re quicker and more intense than ever. Pay close attention to your intuition this month, and it is sure to lead you to endless joy. Why not blind buy some full bottles of a perfume you’ve never smelled before? Don’t even look up the notes or read reviews to see if you’ll like it. If it just feels right, trust your gut and go for it. Maybe when you try this one you’ll finally be happy. Don’t question that instinct, or else you’ll never find out.

Taurus: An opportunity for familial connection awaits you on July 11th, which just happens to be International Essential Oils Day. This is a great time to scroll through Facebook to see which of your neighbors and relatives have joined an essential oil pyramid scheme. Reach out to them and tell them you’re interested in fragrance, and they’re sure to be happy to chat.

Gemini: Have you ever tried wearing two different kinds of deodorant simultaneously? You should consider it. Deodorant is one of the most underrated fragrance products out there. This month, the stars are aligning for you to try it. Even wearing one kind would be a start, Gemini. Try a different flavor under each arm to delight your dualistic nature, or layer them as a sophisticated treat.

Cancer: It’s your birthday season! Celebrate by enjoying the familiar fragrances you love the most. Don’t think about how fragrance is an ephemeral and ever-fleeting experience, or that reformulation, discontinuation, and the simple passage of time are making a continually burning Libary of Alexandria of humanity’s scent heritage. Definitely don’t think about how you will never be able to know how the original formulation of your vintage perfume favorites smelled when they first came out. Like Mitsouko. Of course you’re a Mitsouko lover, you maudlin wreck. Too bad you’ll never know what the original smelled like, or smell real santal sandalwood, or try any of the other notes we’ve hunted to the brink of extinction in the name of hedonistic consumerism. Happy birthday!

Leo: You have great taste in fragrance. It’s one of the many gifts you bring to the world, and the best thing to do with gifts is to share them with others. This July, make sure you tell all your friends exactly what you think of their fragrance choices. Don’t hold back: honesty is always key. They’ll be grateful for your feedback, and will feel honored that you are giving your time and energy to help them.

Virgo: Cancer season is a time to reflect on your domestic life. The next time you come home from a trip, pay attention to the way your house smells. Everyone can smell it except for you. All the time. Every time someone visits you, they’re judging the smell of your house. Just remember that.

Libra: Can’t decide what perfume to wear today, Libra? Me neither. Fortunately, you don’t have to choose! The stifling hot month of July is a great time to experiment with wearing all your fragrances at the same time. Everyone around you will appreciate your innovation and exquisite taste. Make sure to throw in a couple spritzes of each so none of them get lost in the mix.

Scorpio: Let me guess, Scorpio: can’t get the object of your affections to notice you? Already tried bathing in your favorite perfume or cologne? Here’s a hot tip: try drinking it instead. The fragrance will emanate from your pores with your sweat, creating a subtle, pheromone-laden effect that no cutie can resist.*

Sagittarius: An exciting business opportunity is in store for you this month, Sagittarius. Be prepared to work hard, but don’t forget to stop and smell the roses. Seriously, take a look around you. The Northern Hemisphere is right in the middle of rose season. Aren’t they beautiful? So many colors. Do you really think your neighbors would notice if a few blooms went missing? There’s no way anyone would notice, right? And hey, have you ever noticed how great a bouquet of multi-colored roses looks? How much those things sell for? Just an idea.

Capricorn: With summer conferences and meetings around the corner, now is a great time to recalibrate your patented fragrance application system. The fact is that microliters are just too imprecise: that’s fine for amateurs, but if you want anyone to take you seriously, it’s time to step it up. After all, you do want to do this right, don’t you? If you’re serious about wearing fragrance correctly, you’re gonna have to switch to nanoliters at least. Try measuring to the nearest picoliter to really impress your boss.

Aquarius: July’s warm and sunny weather is the perfect opportunity to stay inside and reorganize your perfume sample collection. That’s what’s important in life, after all: order and organization. Don’t let the people around you distract you from this important task. Have you considered switching to a Dewey Decimal system?

Pisces: The third Saturday in July is Toss Away the “Could Haves” and the “Should Haves” Day. Consider this an opportunity to stop wallowing in smells that make you sad. Stop wearing things that remind you of your ex. Seriously, take care of yourself. Go outside and sit in the sun. Eat a banana or something.

And there you have it! Scented Horoscope in hand, you’ll have no trouble navigating this moody month. Enjoy the beautiful weather and live life to the fullest!

*Don’t actually do this.